i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
Randomize
