I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
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