you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
I feel like death gave me a hand job
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
