Anything crazier than usual happen? I woke up in a stairway with my cock out.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
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