Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
Randomize
