Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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