So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
