just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
Randomize
