I can't watch pbs sober anymore
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
