I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
Randomize
