Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Randomize
