just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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