I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Randomize
