She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
STOP acting like a freshman, you have a drivers liscence now AND a PERSCRIPTION for birth control. Dont give all sophmores a bad name. Woman Up
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Randomize
