just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
Randomize
