last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
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