bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
Randomize
