she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
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