I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
I cannot find my penis.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
