its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
Randomize
