He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
