I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
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