Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
Randomize
