I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
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