He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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