Bea Arthur died! :(
Big bird passed.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.