i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.