yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
23 Parents Gave Awful Advice about “The Birds and the Bees”
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
These 19 Deaths Are Ironically Hilarious
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.