i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Randomize
