We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Randomize
