i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
