Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
