Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
