It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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