Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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