I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Randomize
