Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
my liver is dry heaving
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Randomize
