Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
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