PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Randomize
