What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
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