Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
Randomize
