My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.