I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
23 Fathers Confess The Best Way They’ve Messed With Their Daughter’s Boyfriend
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
25 Children of Helicopter Parents Admit The Most Horrible Thing They Were Put Through
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.