i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
