how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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