so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
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