I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
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