My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
