I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
Randomize
