it's too hot outside to masturbate.
Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
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