Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Randomize
