remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
