I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
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After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
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and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
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