the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
Randomize
