I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
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