The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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