I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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