I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
