I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
