I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
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the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
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I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
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