He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
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