You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
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